Community

How would you feel if a friend of yours withheld important information from you that was directly hurting you, so they could avoid hurting the feelings of someone else? Think about it for a moment. Let’s say your friend Klibono stole from you, and your other friend Ronoa saw it, but said nothing to stop it, and chose not to tell you, because they were afraid of hurting the thief’s feelings.

What if the only reason you knew about the theft was because Ronoa caught Kilbono stealing from them, and now they think you should know about it?

What kind of friendship is that? Is that a friendship of integrity? Do you want to surround yourself with these kinds of people? Do you want to be this kind of person?

It sometimes seems like people would rather have superficial relationships built from nothing, than have meaningful bonds built on trust and integrity. People witness so many horrible things happening around them, but refrain from ever doing or saying anything about it because they believe it has nothing to do with them. They will often cite it is none of their business, or it isn’t their place to say anything. The question I have had for years is why? Why don’t people do anything? I think the simple answer is they have no skin in the game. They aren’t really invested in the people around them, and as a consequence any level of inconvenience is too much, even when they know what is happening is wrong. They would rather have a superficial friend in their life stealing from someone else, than stand up for what is right.

Eventually they may act, but only after the problem has arrived on their doorstep. When they finally face the cold burn of betrayal it is the end of world, and they conveniently ignore how their willful inaction has caused themselves to suffer because they allowed the behavior to continue.

I have seen this situation play out so many times, yet I am always surprised by it. If you have good people in your life, why would you sacrifice them for someone who doesn’t care about you or anyone else? I think a part of the problem is denial, and in regard to Ronoa, I think they are saying to themselves: “Sure, Kilbono stole from someone else, but that doesn’t mean they will steal from me. I’m different, we are friends, they would never do that to a friend.” Unfortunately, Ronoa conveniently forgets that Kilbono stole from you, and the two of you were friends too.

My message here is to look at the integrity of others. This applies to how people treat their friendships, romantic relationships, and even how they behave in the workplace. It doesn’t matter who they are hurting, because everyone is a person. Your boss, your coworker, the cashier lady, the bank teller, your buddy from high school, best friend, and even romantic partner, they are all people. They all have feelings, needs, wants and dreams. When you allow the villains of our society to prey on others you are inviting them to one day prey on you.

There is nuance to this. It is one thing to allow an intimate engagement to flow into a situation neither party planned, and it is another matter entirely when someone is actively pursuing someone who is in a committed relationship. The first can be resolved with minimal harm if both parties agree to be good and fair, but the latter is not about being good and fair. It is about having, eating and satiating base desires at the sacrifice of others. If the community wants to be healthy and have meaningful friendships, loving bonds and trust, the sanctity of people’s romantic pairings must be protected.

This means everyone must participate in this protection, especially those who are in a relationship. One way you can protect your romantic relationship is by minimizing and avoiding Orbiters. These are compromised individuals who desire a sexual or romantic relationship with you. They are easily categorized as people who have been “friend-zoned” but still pursue you with disharmonious enthusiasm, and reckless abandon. This kind of relationship is harmful to them, and you. They will put themselves in situations that may limit their ability to date other people, offer your resources they may not have, and violate their own ethics and morality in the pursuit of having you. Many people allow Orbiters into their life because the energy they offer is easy. It feels good to receive adoration from others but allowing them to shower you in affection is selfish. Life is not fair, but relationships should be. Why are you allowing someone to give you girlfriend/or boyfriend energy when you do not plan to do the same? Why are you stringing them along? Why are you creating a space for them to hurt themselves? Some might say: “They are an adult; they have control of the energy they give. Why do I have to tell them to stop? They should know better.” We have a responsibility to be good to the people in our lives, even when they aren’t being good to themselves. This doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice for them, but you should be searching for ways to prevent them from sacrificing themselves.

Orbiters are dangerous to your relationship. This is because everything they say and hear is processed through the desire to have you in some capacity. Sure, they are always there for you, they are a great shoulder to cry on, but they will undermine your relationship at every opportunity. They will never question you when you need to be questioned, they will seek out ways to highlight your partner’s flaws, and they will do everything in their power to break apart the bonds you have with your significant someone.

People who are in committed relationships need to push Orbiters out of their life, and the people of the community need to refrain from becoming Orbiters. If you find yourself desiring to be with someone who is in a relationship, you need to slow those feelings down into a halt. The person you desire is not available, and if you actually love them like you believe you do, then you will put their needs first. Love is not about getting what you want, it is helping the person you love receive what they need.